If you are going through infidelity or have been through it in the past, I want you to know that I’ve been there too and I want to be here for you now.
My Infidelity story:
I got married in 2009 when I was 19 years old to a man that was in the USMC. Over the 10 years we were together we lived in several different places across two states. I didn’t see all of the issues we’d had, but I was sincere in my love and commitment to him even if I wasn’t perfect.
In 2018, we had moved to a new house and I found out I was pregnant with our first child the week we moved in. The week before that, my ex-husband got a new assistant at work. The house had a ton of issues, and I was so sick with morning sickness that the new assistant started coming over to help him work on our house since I couldn’t. She talked to me, asked me about my pregnancy, the three of us swam in our pool and went to dinner a few times.
Eventually I started having issues with their relationship. They were going to Halloween Horror Nights together, she was bringing him coffee to work, she started going to the gym with him, she would come pick him up for work sometimes despite it being way out of her way, they had lunch together at work and often took two hours committing time card fraud, they arrived to work and left work together. The first time I mentioned these issues to my best friend, she told me that her husband (that works with my ex-husband) saw the assistant rubbing my ex-husband’s shoulders. When I confronted him, he flipped out and turned it all around on me, and told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore and that he’s been unhappy for 10 years and was tired of trying to make it work.
I’d felt blindsided at the time. I was completely devastated, and 16 weeks pregnant at the time. It was the most pain I have ever felt.
I thought about things truly and said a prayer and asked to see the situation as it actually was, and I began to see what i’d done wrong over the past 10 years. I’m in no way taking responsibility for the way he’d treated me over the course of our marriage, but no one is perfect and I had plenty to apologize for. So I did. I texted him that I was sorry for my part of things, he said he’d give it another shot.
He came back for a day, but as soon as he went back to work his mind was gone again. The next six weeks were horribly painful. He agreed to go to counseling but wouldn’t cooperate. He didn’t do what the therapist said or the homework the therapist assigned, but I did and then he’d get mad at me for it. I’d let go of every single thing I got upset about. I didn’t complain, I didn’t bring up anything that made me upset, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He made fat jokes at my expense while I was pregnant, he said I made him miserable, that he despised me. I made his lunches and dinner every day, brought him things to work if he forgot them. 6 weeks after the first time he left, he left again after I confronted him about finding a receipt for dinner that was too much money for one person. He said the same thing, he was done trying and didn’t want to be married anymore.
This time he was gone lasted 4 days and was even more confusing. It was over Thanksgiving in 2018, and I spent that day on the couch with both my mother and stepmother watching Out of Africa. I think I cried the entire movie. I was 22 weeks pregnant at this point. At this point I could no longer bear to be inside that house anymore, so I decided to move out. My parents had tried to talk to him and I had tried to talk to him and it was all met with hostility.
After 4 days, he suddenly had a change of heart and told me to cancel the movers (i’d already packed everything and moved some things out into my mom’s friend’s house). He met my parents at a park on the water and apologized, gave them some elaborate story. Then he met me there and gave me the same story. Said he’d been at an oceanfront hotel the night before and wanted to invite me so badly but he’d felt abandoned, and that when he went into our bedroom and all my things were gone he felt so sad and alone. I remember at the time thinking everything was going to be okay because he was treating me so differently. He was opening doors for me, not wanting me to get up into his lifted truck while pregnant, it just all felt really magical.
Not even a week later he was back to the same mean person. It was three months this time, where I did all the right things and said all the right things, but eventually at the end of February in 2019, my friend’s husband ran into my ex mother-in-law’s boyfriend and asked how my ex was doing. For some reason my ex-MIL’s boyfriend spilled all the beans to this guy. He had been hanging out with his assistant at his mother’s house for months and that he was slowly moving things in planning on leaving. When I confronted him about this it was the same story again. It had nothing to do with the assistant, it was just that I was a terrible wife and he didn’t want to be with me anymore.
Two weeks went by this time, and he must have gotten sad when she went out of town, because he reached out to me when he saw I was trying to throw away a bench that he’d had engraved for me. Long story short, this led to us meeting at the park to talk. Here’s what he’d shared:
The assistant was the THIRD girl he’d cheated on me with in our 10 years, not the first. He’d been with her at the oceanfront hotel the night before meeting my parents and I at the park. He’d slept with her then (she has an incurable viral STD and he knew that) and then slept with me the next day, not bothering with protection with either of us (I got tested and I’m good, thank God). But he certainly didn’t mind exposing both me AND our unborn child. He left to be with her all those times but would get sad and come back. He said all the mean things were just to push me away. He said I was the perfect wife over the last 10 months. He said he’d lied to her about how awful I was and that it made her feel better about the sneaking around. He also said they’d been messing around in his lab at work.
Honestly, there’s a lot of detail I’m leaving out, but this is the gist of it. My pregnancy flew by, and I only gained 5lb by the end of it (which means I lost weight because my son was 8lb). I have never felt so heartbroken and hurt and miserable before this time in my life. The pain was so intense that most days I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The depth of this betrayal will always be a scar on my heart in some ways, and I’m still processing through the anger at times, but I can 100% say that my life is better now in literally EVERY SINGLE WAY.
Here’s what I have done since then that I never would have done before:
- I drove myself to the hospital in labor in my stick shift, pushed for 27 minutes.
- I went on a 3 week, 11 state spontaneous road trip with my son when he was 5 months old and it was the biggest thrill of my life.
- I filed for divorce and did everything myself with the assistance of a paralegal.
- I bought my own house for my son and I.
- I kill my own bugs, cut my own grass, plant my own plants, repair my house myself (with assistance if I need it). It is EMPOWERING.
- I am smart with finances and also invest regularly.
- I exercise daily and see myself improving bit by bit.
Here’s the thing, guys. You’ve got two choices with something like this. You can let it destroy you, or you can let it be the foundation of your new self. I’m here to support you. DM me on instagram or comment on my tiktok if you need support and I will be there. I promise you that you’ll get through whatever it is, just keep on going one deep breath at a time.
Here are some resources that helped me:
Chump Lady’s blog helped me a ton – I didn’t feel as alone in what I was going through and I liked reading stories of people moving on and thriving after going through the trauma. Leave a cheater, gain a life!